AFL Tattoo 22: The interchange, emergencies and more

It seems you can’t get on an AFL list these days unless you have some form of permanent body art. So in the grand tradition of the little paper (Herald Sun) I present a team of not left handed, mensa graduates with Buddhist- Irish uncles who were drafted between pick 25 and 47, but a team of current AFL players with serious ink – the Tattoo 22.

The interchange

Life’s a beach when your on the interchange bench so why not get a tattoo of a palm tree.

Bench: Aaron Edwards (Richmond)

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A full sleeve on one arm, a Samoan tribal band on the other and flip around, there’s a palm tree on the back.

Bench: Brent McCaffer (Collingwood)

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Do you like the tattoo I got of my favourite Cold Chisel song, ‘Palm Trees’? Oh shit it’s ‘Flame Trees’ isn’t it? Damn.

Bench: Ricky Pettard (Richmond)

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How can you make a palm tree tattoo even better? Add in some stars, yep, and  throw in a Latin phrase for good measure, ok done.

Substitute: Jeremy Howe (Melbourne)

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Hanger specialist Howe has got a collection: there’s a cross inside a southern cross (clever), an angel down the bottom I think, a couple of roses too and a whole heap more. Plenty to look at as Howe cools his jets in the green vest.

Emergencies

Imagine if there was a crisis and one of the starting 22 sustained a freak tattooing injury. You would need some tattooed emergencies on standby to take their place.

Emergency: Leroy Jetta (Essendon)

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That’s a lot of ink.

Emergency: Maverick Weller (Gold Coast Suns)

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How can you get revenge on your parents for calling you Maverick? Easy get a Top Gun tattoo even though the movie was made 12 years before you were born.

Emergency: Mitch Robinson (Carlton)

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Sometimes you just need to get together with a mate, take your shirts off and look tough by holding a crocodile in your bare hands, a tiny baby crocodile that is. Mitch looks a whole lot tougher than his mate not just because he’s not holding the tiny baby croc but because he has some tough stickers: An Australian flag on his arm (obscured), an unusual sun thing on his side (partially obscured) and some cursive script on the pectoral region. Tough.

The Coaches

When your looking for a coach of a team like this you need someone who is just out of the game, someone who has played at the highest level with a tattoo and knows what ink is all about, someone who understands the modern game and the modern player and can mentor them on the work they need to do to improve as a footballer and the work they can get done on their arm. Really there were only 2 choices:

Coach: Justin Sherman

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Recently delisted ex Lion and Bulldog Justin Sherman shows that real men wear rosary beads, permanently.

Coach: Kyle Remiers

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Remiers will be able to steer the team clear of any supplements programs after his time at Essendon in 2012, he can also show them a thing or two about choosing a tattoo. He really does tick a lot of tattoo boxes: a celtic cross (on his pointing arm), a stylised scorpion, a bulls head, some Roman numerals and, in Olde English script, L4TM which I believe stands for ‘live for the moment.’ It’s like the first 5 pages out of a tattoo catalogue. I’m sure they have some significance but it’s all lost on me.

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AFL Tattoo 22: The forward line

It seems you can’t get on an AFL list these days unless you have some form of permanent body art. So in the grand tradition of the little paper (Herald Sun) I present a team of not left handed, mensa graduates with Buddhist- Irish uncles who were drafted between pick 25 and 47, but a team of current AFL players with serious ink – the Tattoo 22.

The forward line

If you’re going to play in the forward for this team it helps if you have your name permanently sketched onto your back.

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HF: Dustin Martin (Richmond)

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Before he was drafted to Richmond, Port Adelaide asked Dustin Martin “Are you dumb?” There is no record of his answer, but a couple of years later he got his neck tattooed, to compliment his stomach tattoo, and just this year he got the back of his hand tattooed.

 

CHF: Lance Franklin (Hawthorn)

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As one of the more outrageously talented and well known footballers it’s slightly surprising that Franklin’s is anything but outrageous: a sleeve of Aboriginal artwork. A second sleeve is now under construction too.

 

HF: Clancee Pearce (Fremantle)

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Spiderman. Of course.

 

FP: Robert Murphy (Western Bulldogs)

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Robert Murphy is a different cat. Exhibit A: A tattoo of Paul Roos and the words “Keep on trucking” Some say it’s Elvis but I think we all know that would be too mainstream for Robert Murphy.

 

FF: Travis Cloke (Collingwood)

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Trav Cloke seems like a pretty average bloke give or take that he’s David Cloke’s son and he plays for Collingwood. Get him to turn around at the beach and it’s a whole other story. A set of wings? Why?

 

FP: Michael Walters

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A whole collection of stuff: a sleeve working it’s way up to his neck, his name written on the inside of his bicep, a little bit of star work , a dragon, potentially a cross behind his ear, maybe a tea drop somewhere soon. It’s a thumbs up from me.

 

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AFL tattoo 22: The midfield

It seems you can’t get on an AFL list these days unless you have some form of permanent body art. So in the grand tradition of the little paper (Herald Sun) I present a team of not left handed, mensa graduates with Buddhist- Irish uncles who were drafted between pick 25 and 47, but a team of current AFL players with serious ink – the Tattoo 22.

The midfield

It helps if you have a sleeve to get a run in this midfield.

Missed someone? Feel free to add your suggestions by leaving a comment at the bottom.

W: Chris Masten (West Coast)

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Is this guys a bikie or a footballer? Ink all over the shop including up and down both legs, one sleeve and the begginings of another, a wild and woolly beard and a rude 1930’s psych ward style haircut to match – the complete package. I am wondering why he has a grizzly bear and a 3D perspective illusion triangle on his legs.

C: Nathan Jones (Melbourne)

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Solid, standard B grade sleeve, nothing fancy just getting the job done. Strong parallels to his football career.

W: Adam Cooney (Western Bulldogs)

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A sleeve was just too parse for a man who proposed to his partner with a burger ring so he got a sock encapsulating the essence of fish instead.

Ruck: Mitch Clark (Melbourne)

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Thumbs up: The overnight sleeve tattooing process was a success. A sleeve and his name down his back plus hand ink and some Mr Squiggle work on his chest. Who could possibly have more?

RR: Dane Swan (Collingwood) CAPTAIN

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What the hell was I thinking? I don’t even like tattoos. A bit late for that perhaps. Where to start? Two sleeves and full torso work plus some leg stuff. More of his body must have ink now than doesn’t, now that’s acommitment to ink. For his unparalleled penchant for body art Swanny has to be captain of the Tattoo 22. The clincher for me are the knuckle tatts – ouch! But it wasn’t always this way check the Swan timeline of tattoos. (In the first picture he’s actually wearing industrial make up to hide his tattoos and prank teammates)

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1. The cleanskin 2. First a single three quarter sleeve 3. Then it started spreading across his torso and another sleeve was added 4. time for some leg work and the knuckles 5. Fill in the gaps – the whole torso and the fore arm to knuckles are completed

R: Dane Beams (Collingwood)

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Beams has been operating with a sleeve since he was drafted and patriotically managed to work in a stylised Australian flag – how touching. He must have an aversion to tattoos on his left side as he’s opted for some upper right leg work rather than the double sleeve look.

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AFL Tattoo 22: The backline

It seems you can’t get on an AFL list these days unless you have some form of permanent body art. So in the grand tradition of the little paper (Herald Sun) I present a team of not left handed, mensa graduates with Buddhist- Irish uncles who were drafted between pick 25 and 47, but a team of current AFL players with serious ink – the Tattoo 22.

The backline

If you’re going to play in the backline for this team it helps if you have your name permanently sketched onto your back.

Missed someone? Feel free to add your suggestions by leaving a comment at the bottom.

B: Jarrod Rivers (Geelong)

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How do you spell my name? Ah that’s right I got it written down my spine so I’d never forget. Yep

FB: Daniel Merrett (Brisbane Lions)

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No comment.

 

B: Nick Malceski (Sydney Swans)

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It would seem Sydney’s ‘No Dickheads Policy’ doesn’t extend to lame tattoos. It looks like Malceski’s superimposed a dying duck onto the bogan staple – a full back Southern Cross.

HB: Denis Arnfield (Carlton)

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Arnfield has a portrait of his Nana on one shoulder and potrait of someone else on his other. He ‘s got his name written on his back above a giant swan and a rabid Kangaroo trying to break the Australian coat of arms – brilliant. Denis, you are overqualified to  play in this team.

CHB: Jake Carlisle (Essendon)

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Ah look there’s his name written down his back and what’s that on his stomach? Ah yes, of course, a list of his sister’s names and the year they were born. At least it makes the orange bra not the most embarrassing thing he’s wearing.

HB: Cyril Rioli (Hawthorn)

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Name on the back, yep. Sitting on what looks like a burning set of cricket stumps, not sure why. Don’t come saying Cyril doesn’t play in the backline, he’s the best 15 touch player in the AFL and can surely play anywhere –  he’s just that good.

 

And of course Cyril’s more recent addition – the hawk across the chest that everyone wants to see. Here it is

 

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