An ASADA Miracle: Discovering the Dean Wallis Diary

The ASADA investigation into the Essendon supplement scandal has been notable for it’s length and almost complete lack of results – until now. ASADA have completed a miracle, they have uncovered the Dean Wallis Diary.

Dean Wallis is known for a few things: for being one of Kevin Sheedy’s favourites; for staying on Essendon’s list for 15 seasons for just 127 games including 2 premierships; for ironing out Mil Hanna in the 1993 Grand Final; for betting on AFL games when he was an assistant coach at Essendon, even entering the TAB in his Essendon tracksuit. But perhaps the role shrouded in the most mystery is Wallis’ part in the Essendon supplements saga as outlined in the ASADA interim report in August, 2013.

“In May 2012, Danny Corcoran directed football administrator, Dean Wallis, to create a database to record the players’ weekly supplementation, however, this task was not immediately implemented.”

“That database was not implemented until 27 June 2012. The implementation was not properly or systematically arranged and failed to accurately or comprehensively record supplements received by the players.”

 

Finally the lid can be lifted due to ASADA’s discovery of the Dean Wallis Diary.

Dean Wallis responds to another injection database question with the Mil Hanna stare.
Dean Wallis responds to another injection database question with the Mil Hanna stare.

 

3 May, 2012

Danny Corcoran came to me today and said he had a new job for me. Great! I am sick of doing the office  filing and overseeing the cheer squad banner making to pick up spelling errors. Gee that was a tough gig, I’m still not sure on the correct spelling of  ‘Congratulations’ Anything would be better than working with those cheer squad nuffies.

Corcs said I have to keep the cheer squad overseeing role and then dropped a bombshell. He said that  Danksy had been injecting the players since November last year but no records had been kept and we needed to start recording what players were being injected with and when if we were to keep up the pretence of being a multimillion dollar business with professional standards and not just a footy club run by a bunch of blokey meatheads. Fark!

Corcs said he wanted me to record every injection that the players took and then create a database. What the fuck is a database? Oh well, I’ll just get down who’s taking what and worry about that later.

 

22 May, 2012

Corcs popped by my office today to see how the injection database was going. Well when I say office I mean the place where I spend most of my time, the club laundry. I was washing the VFL jumpers from the weekend. One day I hope to graduate to the AFL jumpers but for the moment it’s just VFL jumpers. It doesn’t matter if the colours run as the VFL guys aren’t on TV every week.

Well naturally I shit my pants as I hadn’t done anything, I’d been so tied up with the jumper washing and the cheer squad banner spelling checking. But I didn’t let on to Corcs and said I was just on my way to have my regular check in with Dansky after the spin cycle had ended.

As soon as Corcs left I ran out of the laundry and grabbed a pencil and notepad, well after the receptionist had shown me where the stationary cupboard was located, I grabbed them and headed off to Danksy’s office.

I walked passed Corcs office and wanting to make a good impression I stuck my head in and said, “Off to record those injections” and waved around the notepad and pencil to show him I meant business. Corcs looked at me blankly, “Wally, what the fuck are you doing? We want this to be an electronic database, you need to do this on your laptop.” I scurried off back to my desk and rummaged through the draws until I found the laptop I’d been given when I had started my coaching ban for betting on Essendon matches. Ah there it was – unopened. I headed back up to Danksy’s office but avoided Corcs office this time.

I walked into Danksy’s office and Hirdy was bent over his desk with his pants round his ankles. Danksy was standing behind with a massive syringe and jabbed him straight in the buttock. Hirdy took it like a man. Danksy said he wasn’t  injecting any players today but he would be in a couple of days time and I should come back then. Seemed fair enough to me, except I was surprised to see all the midfielders lined up outside Danksy’s door as I left.

 

24 May, 2012

I was back in Dansky’s office with my laptop, notebook and pencil ready to get all the injections down. Danksy must have told me the wrong time because he was nearly finshed when I got there. He was giving the defenders flu shots he told me.

Some of the boys really do need to get a lot of flu shots. A couple of them were questioning Dansky saying hadn’t they got two flu shots last week. Danksy was saying, “Nah that was the flu immuniser, now you need to have the flu booster shot.” He seemed to know what he was talking about.

As I left Danskys office I made the mistake of walking past Corcs office and he called me in. He asked to see the injection database so I gave him the the notebook and showed him what I’d written down today.

The nootebook
The notebook

“That’s it!” he yelled,”Three weeks and that’s all you’ve got! And wheres the database?”  I started fumbling around with the laptop but couldn’t get it open.

Corcs was furious. He said I was the dumbest footballer he had ever met but then retracted that when I pointed out that John Barnes had also played at Essendon during his time.

He told me to get the fuck out of his office and go and see the IT guys and get this fucken database started. The IT guys were great, they showed me how to open the laptop and how to turn it on, and they set me up with a user name and password I couldn’t possibly forget.

User name: Wally

Password: Essendon

Simple, I was straight down to work. Well after 250 updates had installed I was straight down to work. I checked the odds on the races on the TAB website, set up an online betting account and I was away – I spent the afternoon betting and watching the races on my laptop.

 

June 2, 2012

Corcs sent me off to something he called a ‘professional development’ course. It sounded a lot like the AFL cocahing accreditation course they said I’d have to do before I started as an assistant coach but no one followed up about that so I didn’t bother with it in the end. It also sounded similar to the AFL Employees Compliance Training Gambling module I had to do after I put a few bucks on a couple of Essendon games and got suspended for 14 weeks.  Talk about an overreaction – I bet on Essendon to WIN! And the course, talk about boring! How many differnt ways can you say ‘Don’t bet on footy’ and ‘Don’t do it in your team tracksuit.’ I think that last comment was directed at me but I can’t be sure.

Anyway Corcs sent me off to to the city for a couple of days to attend this course called ‘ Introduction to MS Access: Database Creation and Mangement’ It all sounded very important but the course started badly. On the first day I didn’t realise I’d need my laptop. So I was just sat there listening as the presenter guy kept going on about primary keys and foreign keys. All I could do to stay awake was keep playing with my car keys thinking about  listening to Marko, Ox and Robbo on SEN on the drive home.

The next day I took my laptop but I couldn’t remember my password. I rang the IT guy at the club and he said he’d have to put me on hold. It was sort of muffled but I’m sure I heard him say ‘I’ve got fucking Wally on the phone and he can’t remember his fucken password what a fucken dumbass I only set it up for him last week’

The IT guy told me he had reset the password to ‘Bombers’ and the password was case sensitive (whatever the hell that means) but I couldn’t get it to work. I kept typing in B-O-M-E-R-S and  it kept saying password invalid. FUCK! Without a working laptop it was all pretty boring with talk about foreign keys and primary keys again and I fell asleep. I was only woken up when someone handed me a course evaluation form at the end of the day. Gee IT stuff is boring.

Something I slept through at the training course
Something I slept through at the training course

 

June 3, 2012

I was back in Danksys office the next day with my notebook and pencil after I’d dropped my laptop off to see if the IT boffins could crack the password on it. Hirdy was in Danskys office as usual with his strides around his ankles getting the big syringe from Stephen. I thought I’d better add Jimmy’s injections to the database so pulled out my notepad and started writing Jim’s name, I asked Danksy what he was injecting and he gave me some  mumbled answer I think it was ADHD 90210.

Hirdy saw that I was struggling away with my pen and pad and  said that Tanya could come in and give me a few pointers on taking notes, he said she was a prolific and avid note taker and often took notes of speaker phone conversations that he had in the car. I thought she sounded like an annoying pain in the arse but I asked Jim if Tanya knew much about Access databases. He just looked at me blankly, I guess not.

The boffins had managed to unlock my computer and had sticky taped a note to the screen with my user name and password on it. I sat there with my laptop open trying to find the Access icon. It took me about an hour but I cracked it. After I’d completed that great step forward, I decide to reward myself with an afternoon on the TAB website. I only lost $200. Today was a good day.

The laptop: the cause of my problems
The laptop: the cause of my problems

June 13, 2012

Still haven’t started the injection database. I was bloody desperate, so I rang the smartest bloke I know – My old teammate Chris Heffernan, he does some finance stuff in New York or something. I bumped into Adam Ramanascus, got Heff’s mobile number and gave him a call. I didn’t think about the time difference  – I’d woken him up at 3 am – he wasn’t too pleased. I don’t think I’ll be calling him again.

I had to go back to the IT guy and ask for his help. He said there were lots of videos on YouTube that could  help me with Access. What the fuck is YouTube?

 

June 20, 2012

The IT guy was being a real smart arse today asking me how the injection database was coming along. He kept asking me if I d set up the primary keys and foreign keys yet. That was enough, I stared him down and said if he mentioned foreign keys again I’d flatten him like I flattened Mil Hanna in the 1993 Grand Final. He had to look it up on YouTube but he got the message – don’t mess with Wally. The IT guy changed his tune pretty quickly after that, he suggested it might be easier if I record the injections in Excel. I looked at him blankly, “What the fuck is Excel?”

After a week of swearing at my laptop and trying to find Excel videos on YouTube I gave the IT guy $600 and he took my hand written notes and put them into Excel.

This is what it looked like. I went through and added in the colours, well the IT guy showed me how to add the colours.

Jobe Watson
Jobe Watson

I reckon it’s a pretty good job, and finally Corcs will be off my back. I just have to keep paying the IT guy $50 a week to update the Excel spreadsheet from my handwritten notes. Fark! I better get back to the TAB if I’m going to pay for all of this.

 

June 27, 2012

I was in Corcs office today showing him the Excel spreadsheet with all the pretty colours and the players injections. He seemed nonplussed and said I needed to do all the players, not just Watto and Hirdy who didn’t really count as he isn’t a player. I countered by showing him the page I’d created all by myslef for David Zaharakis (he doesn’t like needles so hadn’t had any jabs) Corcs seemed unimpressed and said it would have been better if I’d created a database in Access like he’d asked. I gave him the Mil Hanna stare and he changed tack.

Corcs said the Excel spreadsheet would be fine, I just needed to create a Pivot table with the players names in the rows and the different drugs as the columns. Then I needed to do a vlookup of all those players who’d taken ADHD 90210 and reverse order the list by the date of the injection and by the players middle initial.

I had only one question for Corcs, “What the fuck is a vlookup?”

Corcs wasn’t happy, “Wally, tell me you know your way around a spreadsheet?” “Of course I do Corcs,” I replied “I was just messing with you.”

I left Corcs office with two thoughts running through my head, ‘AAAAAGGGGH! Back to the boffin – this is going to cost me’ And, ‘Why the fuck can’t Danksy keep his own records?’

My life would be a lot simpler if he did.

 

 

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Ross Slater

Blogging about the important things - AFL and cricket

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