MRP, Coach Press Conferences, Names on Jumpers and not a full forward – The AFL Five

1. Match Review Panel

The Match Review Panel has been at its inconsistent best over the past couple of weeks outing Nat Fyfe for a head clash for two weeks and also metering out the same punishment to Daniel Merrett who clocked Andrew Swallow in the face with a swinging elbow. Hmmm.

Anyway that is nothing compared to the Raffety’s Rules going on at the WAFL tribunal. Former ne’er do well Demon Colin Sylvia is now at Fremantle and has been playing in their affiliated WAFL sidePeel Thunder. Last week Sylvia was reported for rough conduct after knocking over Subiaco’s Brett Mahoney.

Mahoney was assessed by the Subiaco physio after the incident and determined to be concussed; he can’t remember events of the game and is in doubt for this week. The WAFL MRP  offered Sylvia 3 weeks with an early guilty plea. Sylvia declined opting to take the matter to the WAFL tribunal where the Peel Thunder doctor, who just so happens to be the Fremantle docotor, produced a medical report to say that Mahoney wasn’t concussed. The result: Sylvia got 2 weeks. All above board and legitimate in WA.

 

2. Post Match Coach Press Conferences

Apparently these are the highlight of the week. Bomber Thompson is doing comedy routines, Mick Malthouse is blowing head gaskets every week and attacking the press, Ross Lyon is bullying cadet journos, Nathan Buckley is repeating things a lot and sounding forceful yet boring. It’s so entertaining it’s even broadcast live by Chanel 7 after the games on Friday and Saturday night with Mark Stevens getting his own personal camera to capture all his incisive questioning of the coaches. It shows just how bad the AFL game is going if post match coach press conferences are now seen as more entertaining than the onfield action.

Personally what do I want in football coverage on TV: the game, accurate, concise and informative commentary and analysis uninterrupted by in jokes, faux comedy and ego boosting  from the personalities ‘entertaining’ us with a backdrop of football. TV commentators need to stop calling the game like it’s radio. I can see who took a mark and who handpassed the ball on the TV but I’m not at the ground, you are, so tell me what you can see that I can’t see on the TV.

 

3. Jack Reiwoldt

It’s pretty clear to me that Jack Reiwoldt is a full forward, and Tyrone Vickery is not and no amount of Jack making way for Tyrone to aid his ‘development’ is really going to help Richmond to do what it is supposed to do – win games of football. The penny seems to have dropped for Damien Hardwick this week with Vickery dropped and Reiwoldt back in the goal square. Vickery’s ‘development’ as a forward will have to continue on the VFL.

A quick lesson from history: In his final season Matthew Llloyd, who after kicking nearly 900 goals over 14 seasons including two 100 goal seasons and two Coleman medals appeared to be a full forward to most observers. However he  was sent from the goal square to a half forward flank in 2009 to accommodate the development of …. Jay Neagle. Yes one of the brighter points of the Matthew Knights era at the Bombers.

How did that work out for Essendon? After 35 goals in 18 games in 2009 Lloyd pulled the pin at 31 years of age, perhaps a season earlier than might have been expected. Neagle? Well after his development season of 19 goals as a full forward in 2009, he was certain to achieve bigger and better things in 2010 as the main man in the goal square. After costing Essendon victory in it’s first game of the season by opting to play on and miss a goal rather than  take a set shot from 30 metres out directly in front, Neagle was dropped for the next 14 weeks and then demoted to the rookie list at seasons end. One of James Hirds first acts as coach was to axe Neagle from the rookie list and deny reports that he’d turned up for pre-season trining bigger than Eddie McGuire. Lucky Essendon put all that ‘development’ into him at the expense of Matthew Lloyd.

Jay Neagle shows his opponent he has better tattoos. This is all he did at Essendon.
Jay Neagle shows his opponent he has better tattoos. This is all he did at Essendon.

 

4. Names on jumpers

A brilliant and innovative concept that will make AFL a world leader in sports. Ok no, the AFL have been trailing behind other sports in this, but we are fortunate enough to have a 1 round trial of players names on jumpers over Easter. What could possibly go wrong? Well after one game it became evident that the names were too small to be read by anyone unless you were standing next to the player. There were some players getting around without names, and Lewis Roberts Thompson’s jumper is said to have “L.R.T.” printed on it. Why? Couldn’t find an even smaller font to fit “Roberts Thompson” on the back of the jumper? It is surprising the AFL didn’t trial this names on jumpers in say the NAB Cup where they could have found out the names were too small before launching it in the season proper. With this sort of planning and execution, this names on jumpers episode has all the hallmarks of one man: Is the Geisch still doing a bit of contract work at the AFL?

 

Marc Murphy: the name says it all
Marc Murphy: the name says it all

5. Good Friday Football on Channel 7

Yes this year Chanel 7 will broadcast football on Good Friday. Having theis year bought the TV rights to the SANFL from the ABC, Chanel 7 will broadcast South Adeliade v Glenelg live on Good Friday in South Australia. It’s a pity it’s not on 7mate Australia wide.

There is no AFL on but there is VFL, Bendigo Gold take on Essendon in Bendigo and in Melbourne there is a VFL Development League game between Coburg and the Northern Blues. There are also two Vic Country U18 trial matches against NSW and NT respectively taking place at Princes Park. In all there are 28 games being played in 18 leagues across Victoria, mostly in country areas but some games in the Melbourne metro area.

Carlton CEO Greg Swann wants the AFL to schedule a Carlton v North Melbourne twilight match on Good Friday. Why a twilight game you ask. Well the reason Swann gave is so that the teams could then present a cheque to the Royal Children’s Hospital Appeal that evening.

Channel 7 have said they would prefer an afternoon game rather than a night game on Good Friday to interfere less with the Royal Children’s Hospital appeal. If I were the AFL I’d say that’s fine, Good Friday football will be on Foxtel.

The Royal Children’s Hospital, whilst very much a  worthwhile cause deserving of funding, do not own Good Friday. Anything you want to do on Good Friday does not have to be run by  the Royal Children’s Hospital for approval. “Oh we are doing the wrong thing by playing football on Good Friday and ruining the Royal Children’s Hospital special day. It’s  their annual appeal day, won’t somebody please think of the children? So to make us feel better about ourselves interfering with the hospital’s special day we are donating money to the Children’s Hospital Appeal.”

Good Friday is a religious holiday not a day set aside to raise money for the Children’s Hospital. Can we not just be heathens, play football and be comfortable with that?

 

In other news…

Cricket Australia have just issued a press release. Due to lobbying from the retail sector who have a long standing and well known tradition of annual discount sales on Boxing Day and realising that some people like shopping, we have decided for the greater good and inline with community standards and expectations we will no longer play Test cricket at the MCG on Boxing Day.

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An ASADA Miracle: Discovering the Dean Wallis Diary

The ASADA investigation into the Essendon supplement scandal has been notable for it’s length and almost complete lack of results – until now. ASADA have completed a miracle, they have uncovered the Dean Wallis Diary.

Dean Wallis is known for a few things: for being one of Kevin Sheedy’s favourites; for staying on Essendon’s list for 15 seasons for just 127 games including 2 premierships; for ironing out Mil Hanna in the 1993 Grand Final; for betting on AFL games when he was an assistant coach at Essendon, even entering the TAB in his Essendon tracksuit. But perhaps the role shrouded in the most mystery is Wallis’ part in the Essendon supplements saga as outlined in the ASADA interim report in August, 2013.

“In May 2012, Danny Corcoran directed football administrator, Dean Wallis, to create a database to record the players’ weekly supplementation, however, this task was not immediately implemented.”

“That database was not implemented until 27 June 2012. The implementation was not properly or systematically arranged and failed to accurately or comprehensively record supplements received by the players.”

 

Finally the lid can be lifted due to ASADA’s discovery of the Dean Wallis Diary.

Dean Wallis responds to another injection database question with the Mil Hanna stare.
Dean Wallis responds to another injection database question with the Mil Hanna stare.

 

3 May, 2012

Danny Corcoran came to me today and said he had a new job for me. Great! I am sick of doing the office  filing and overseeing the cheer squad banner making to pick up spelling errors. Gee that was a tough gig, I’m still not sure on the correct spelling of  ‘Congratulations’ Anything would be better than working with those cheer squad nuffies.

Corcs said I have to keep the cheer squad overseeing role and then dropped a bombshell. He said that  Danksy had been injecting the players since November last year but no records had been kept and we needed to start recording what players were being injected with and when if we were to keep up the pretence of being a multimillion dollar business with professional standards and not just a footy club run by a bunch of blokey meatheads. Fark!

Corcs said he wanted me to record every injection that the players took and then create a database. What the fuck is a database? Oh well, I’ll just get down who’s taking what and worry about that later.

 

22 May, 2012

Corcs popped by my office today to see how the injection database was going. Well when I say office I mean the place where I spend most of my time, the club laundry. I was washing the VFL jumpers from the weekend. One day I hope to graduate to the AFL jumpers but for the moment it’s just VFL jumpers. It doesn’t matter if the colours run as the VFL guys aren’t on TV every week.

Well naturally I shit my pants as I hadn’t done anything, I’d been so tied up with the jumper washing and the cheer squad banner spelling checking. But I didn’t let on to Corcs and said I was just on my way to have my regular check in with Dansky after the spin cycle had ended.

As soon as Corcs left I ran out of the laundry and grabbed a pencil and notepad, well after the receptionist had shown me where the stationary cupboard was located, I grabbed them and headed off to Danksy’s office.

I walked passed Corcs office and wanting to make a good impression I stuck my head in and said, “Off to record those injections” and waved around the notepad and pencil to show him I meant business. Corcs looked at me blankly, “Wally, what the fuck are you doing? We want this to be an electronic database, you need to do this on your laptop.” I scurried off back to my desk and rummaged through the draws until I found the laptop I’d been given when I had started my coaching ban for betting on Essendon matches. Ah there it was – unopened. I headed back up to Danksy’s office but avoided Corcs office this time.

I walked into Danksy’s office and Hirdy was bent over his desk with his pants round his ankles. Danksy was standing behind with a massive syringe and jabbed him straight in the buttock. Hirdy took it like a man. Danksy said he wasn’t  injecting any players today but he would be in a couple of days time and I should come back then. Seemed fair enough to me, except I was surprised to see all the midfielders lined up outside Danksy’s door as I left.

 

24 May, 2012

I was back in Dansky’s office with my laptop, notebook and pencil ready to get all the injections down. Danksy must have told me the wrong time because he was nearly finshed when I got there. He was giving the defenders flu shots he told me.

Some of the boys really do need to get a lot of flu shots. A couple of them were questioning Dansky saying hadn’t they got two flu shots last week. Danksy was saying, “Nah that was the flu immuniser, now you need to have the flu booster shot.” He seemed to know what he was talking about.

As I left Danskys office I made the mistake of walking past Corcs office and he called me in. He asked to see the injection database so I gave him the the notebook and showed him what I’d written down today.

The nootebook
The notebook

“That’s it!” he yelled,”Three weeks and that’s all you’ve got! And wheres the database?”  I started fumbling around with the laptop but couldn’t get it open.

Corcs was furious. He said I was the dumbest footballer he had ever met but then retracted that when I pointed out that John Barnes had also played at Essendon during his time.

He told me to get the fuck out of his office and go and see the IT guys and get this fucken database started. The IT guys were great, they showed me how to open the laptop and how to turn it on, and they set me up with a user name and password I couldn’t possibly forget.

User name: Wally

Password: Essendon

Simple, I was straight down to work. Well after 250 updates had installed I was straight down to work. I checked the odds on the races on the TAB website, set up an online betting account and I was away – I spent the afternoon betting and watching the races on my laptop.

 

June 2, 2012

Corcs sent me off to something he called a ‘professional development’ course. It sounded a lot like the AFL cocahing accreditation course they said I’d have to do before I started as an assistant coach but no one followed up about that so I didn’t bother with it in the end. It also sounded similar to the AFL Employees Compliance Training Gambling module I had to do after I put a few bucks on a couple of Essendon games and got suspended for 14 weeks.  Talk about an overreaction – I bet on Essendon to WIN! And the course, talk about boring! How many differnt ways can you say ‘Don’t bet on footy’ and ‘Don’t do it in your team tracksuit.’ I think that last comment was directed at me but I can’t be sure.

Anyway Corcs sent me off to to the city for a couple of days to attend this course called ‘ Introduction to MS Access: Database Creation and Mangement’ It all sounded very important but the course started badly. On the first day I didn’t realise I’d need my laptop. So I was just sat there listening as the presenter guy kept going on about primary keys and foreign keys. All I could do to stay awake was keep playing with my car keys thinking about  listening to Marko, Ox and Robbo on SEN on the drive home.

The next day I took my laptop but I couldn’t remember my password. I rang the IT guy at the club and he said he’d have to put me on hold. It was sort of muffled but I’m sure I heard him say ‘I’ve got fucking Wally on the phone and he can’t remember his fucken password what a fucken dumbass I only set it up for him last week’

The IT guy told me he had reset the password to ‘Bombers’ and the password was case sensitive (whatever the hell that means) but I couldn’t get it to work. I kept typing in B-O-M-E-R-S and  it kept saying password invalid. FUCK! Without a working laptop it was all pretty boring with talk about foreign keys and primary keys again and I fell asleep. I was only woken up when someone handed me a course evaluation form at the end of the day. Gee IT stuff is boring.

Something I slept through at the training course
Something I slept through at the training course

 

June 3, 2012

I was back in Danksys office the next day with my notebook and pencil after I’d dropped my laptop off to see if the IT boffins could crack the password on it. Hirdy was in Danskys office as usual with his strides around his ankles getting the big syringe from Stephen. I thought I’d better add Jimmy’s injections to the database so pulled out my notepad and started writing Jim’s name, I asked Danksy what he was injecting and he gave me some  mumbled answer I think it was ADHD 90210.

Hirdy saw that I was struggling away with my pen and pad and  said that Tanya could come in and give me a few pointers on taking notes, he said she was a prolific and avid note taker and often took notes of speaker phone conversations that he had in the car. I thought she sounded like an annoying pain in the arse but I asked Jim if Tanya knew much about Access databases. He just looked at me blankly, I guess not.

The boffins had managed to unlock my computer and had sticky taped a note to the screen with my user name and password on it. I sat there with my laptop open trying to find the Access icon. It took me about an hour but I cracked it. After I’d completed that great step forward, I decide to reward myself with an afternoon on the TAB website. I only lost $200. Today was a good day.

The laptop: the cause of my problems
The laptop: the cause of my problems

June 13, 2012

Still haven’t started the injection database. I was bloody desperate, so I rang the smartest bloke I know – My old teammate Chris Heffernan, he does some finance stuff in New York or something. I bumped into Adam Ramanascus, got Heff’s mobile number and gave him a call. I didn’t think about the time difference  – I’d woken him up at 3 am – he wasn’t too pleased. I don’t think I’ll be calling him again.

I had to go back to the IT guy and ask for his help. He said there were lots of videos on YouTube that could  help me with Access. What the fuck is YouTube?

 

June 20, 2012

The IT guy was being a real smart arse today asking me how the injection database was coming along. He kept asking me if I d set up the primary keys and foreign keys yet. That was enough, I stared him down and said if he mentioned foreign keys again I’d flatten him like I flattened Mil Hanna in the 1993 Grand Final. He had to look it up on YouTube but he got the message – don’t mess with Wally. The IT guy changed his tune pretty quickly after that, he suggested it might be easier if I record the injections in Excel. I looked at him blankly, “What the fuck is Excel?”

After a week of swearing at my laptop and trying to find Excel videos on YouTube I gave the IT guy $600 and he took my hand written notes and put them into Excel.

This is what it looked like. I went through and added in the colours, well the IT guy showed me how to add the colours.

Jobe Watson
Jobe Watson

I reckon it’s a pretty good job, and finally Corcs will be off my back. I just have to keep paying the IT guy $50 a week to update the Excel spreadsheet from my handwritten notes. Fark! I better get back to the TAB if I’m going to pay for all of this.

 

June 27, 2012

I was in Corcs office today showing him the Excel spreadsheet with all the pretty colours and the players injections. He seemed nonplussed and said I needed to do all the players, not just Watto and Hirdy who didn’t really count as he isn’t a player. I countered by showing him the page I’d created all by myslef for David Zaharakis (he doesn’t like needles so hadn’t had any jabs) Corcs seemed unimpressed and said it would have been better if I’d created a database in Access like he’d asked. I gave him the Mil Hanna stare and he changed tack.

Corcs said the Excel spreadsheet would be fine, I just needed to create a Pivot table with the players names in the rows and the different drugs as the columns. Then I needed to do a vlookup of all those players who’d taken ADHD 90210 and reverse order the list by the date of the injection and by the players middle initial.

I had only one question for Corcs, “What the fuck is a vlookup?”

Corcs wasn’t happy, “Wally, tell me you know your way around a spreadsheet?” “Of course I do Corcs,” I replied “I was just messing with you.”

I left Corcs office with two thoughts running through my head, ‘AAAAAGGGGH! Back to the boffin – this is going to cost me’ And, ‘Why the fuck can’t Danksy keep his own records?’

My life would be a lot simpler if he did.

 

 

Variable ticket pricing, split rounds and runners in pink – The AFL Five

It’s been a big first three rounds of the AFL season so let’s get down to dissecting the really important stuff of the season so far in the  brand new segment – The AFL Five.

 

1. Split rounds

The AFL took head on the NRL and it’s early March start to the season and failed. The Foxtel only NAB challenge had generated a ‘massive’ (read: minimal) groundswell of enthusiasm for Round 1 except it finished a full 13 days before the first game. A round of practice matches ensued and then the season proper kicked off with 30,000 watching Collingwood v Fremantle at Etihad Stadium in the earliest start to a season since 2000. The AFL complained that the MCG was off limits, blaming cricket. Well, it’s not cricket’s fault that the MCG is not available for football, it’s because the AFL wanted to start their season during the cricket season that there is a problem. Anyway the split of 4 games one weekend and 5 the next did not appear popular with fans, as was pushing back the season opener of the past 7 seasons – Carlton v Richmond to Round 2. Never fear there are only 5 more weekends of split rounds this season. That’s right the 6-6-6 games in Rounds 8,9 and 10 then a split of  5-4 over two weekends for Round 18 after the AFL Players Association successfully campaigning for 2 byes per season. Split rounds and byes – they are increasing, get used to them!

 

2. Variable ticket pricing

Yep, this is a stinker of an idea designed purely to increase revenue from popular matches. How many more people are going to go to a Melbourne v Fremantle game because they could sit in a seat that normally costs $50 for the  general admission price of $25? Not many, if any. The real misnomer here is that the AFL are being generous to fans and giving them ‘discounted’ tickets. Well until the general admission price is lowered for some games (ie only $17.50 to come watch Melbourne slug it out with someone equally inept rather than the usual $25) then ‘variable ticket pricing’ is of no real benefit to the fans.

Variable ticket pricing is blamed as one of the factors that crowd numbers are down and it’s possibly true but the AFL won’t care as 60,000 paying on average $40 is better than 70,000 paying an average of $30. As in so many things in AFL cold hard cash is the answer.

 

3. Runners in pink

Yes AFL runners are now wearing pink and club trainers, water cariers, doctors and physios are wearing pink vests. The AFL has seen the light that dressing runners in orange when Gold Coast and GWS wear orange was not a good idea – only took them two seasons. Unfortunately the lovely baby blue colour the runners were decked out in some games last season is gone too. Bring on the pink. Also there is only one runner per club this season down from the previous two who could work as a tag team and amazingly after 3 rounds the sky is yet to fall in.

 

Mick Matlhouse about to blame the one runner system for Carlton's poor start to the season
Mick Matlhouse about to blame the one runner system for Carlton’s poor start to the season

 

4. Interchange cap

Another thing that astoundingly hasn’t caused the sky to fall in is the interchange cap. Yes, AFL clubs can only make 120 moves per interchange movements per game but it’s yet to cause a stir  – thank goodness. Players and coaches have managed to adapt – truly unbelievable. Just wait for the wailing and gnashing of teeth when the AFL decide they want to bring in the original limit they had in mind of 80. But why did the AFL introduce the interchange cap in the first place? Initially the AFL wanted to increase the speed of the game by allowing quick kick ins from full back, four boundary umpires, shorter time for players to kick the ball from a mark and various other rule changes to speed up the game. Ultimately through some space time continuum that hasn’t been discovered the AFL believed that speeding the game up in this way would actually slow it down – the sort of knee jerk, counter intuitive stuff the AFL Laws of the Game committee does best. Anyway surprisingly it didn’t work, or more accurately there was no way of measuring or determining if it had worked so the AFL changed tack and decided to slow the games down by restricting the interchange movements. The jury is out if this latest rule change has had any effect: positive, negative or otherwise.

AFL interchange - not complicated at all.
AFL interchange – not complicated at all.

 

5. The Quote

AFL fixturing is a contentious issue as seen this year with the early start and split round not being well received. It was good to see the AFL general manager of fixturing (yes, this is a real title), Simon Lethlean, get on the front foot early about what is happening with the 2015 fixture and the Cricket World Cup which runs until the end of March. Nothing would give the fans greater comfort than knowing that the AFL fixturing guru is aware that the cricket World Cup is happening next yearat  AFL venues and the complexities this poses in avoiding another dog’s breakfast meets mad woman’s shit that the start of this season has been. Nothing except perhaps if that fixturing boffin was a keen student of history. Unfortunately Lethlean is not, as quoted on the AFL website.

“It’s not as unusual as it sounds to have a Grand Final in October,” 
“I think we’ve had it during the Olympics and I think the Commonwealth Games as well.”

 

Recent October grand finals have included: 2011 (due to 17 teams taking 24 rounds to play 22 games), 2010 drawn Grand Final replay), 1994 (due to a 15 team competition) and 1990 (due to a draw in the Collingwood v West Coast final)
 
The Sydney Olympics caused the 2000 season to start on the first weekend in March and the Grand final was on September 2nd. Not even close, Simon, and in some miracle of ironman proportions the players played 22 games plus finals without a bye! Amazing, what a super human effort, yet just 14 years later players can’t go without 2 byes per season!

The 2006 Commonwealth Games affected the availability of the MCG for the first couple of rounds but didn’t alter the start or finish dates of the AFL season with the Grand Final on the last Saturday in September.

Nice work Simon, AFL fixturing is in safe hands. Perhaps the AFL should try researching before doing a puff piece on their own website.

 

 

 

Shirtless Cricketers XI

A trusted friend once told me ‘Give the people what they want’

So I took a look at what people are typing into Google to find my blog. I discovered that what people really want to see are AFL footballer’s tattoos, strange AFL jumpers and cricketers without their shirts. How else could you explain the searches for  “naked cricketers” and “shirtless cricketers” leading people to my blog?

So here it is the Shirtless Cricketers XI and other popular search engine terms used by people everywhere

 

1. Shane Watson

Watto is easily the most popular shirtless search including “shane watson shirtless”, “shane watson shirtless photos” and “shane watson nude” Watto really is the cricketing king of shirtless photos as evidenced here.

 

Shane Watson
Shane Watson

Why is Watto getting around with his kit off? Well according to the Steve Rixon Ashes Diary, Watto was taking part in a six week manscaping  program and was in a full body moisturising phase which meant after showering he had to cover himself in moisturiser and sit around nude for the next  20 minutes. Brilliant.

One search I couldn’t help people with was “shane watson f*cking” It’s hard to determine the intention of the search – was it straight after another Watto lbw?

 

2. Shaun Marsh

Shaun Marsh has been an enigma in Australian cricket, seemingly on a continuous recall to the Australian team after injury and/or poor form despite a modest first class record. So what are people searching for? Shaun Marsh injury, Shaun Marsh Test recall or Shaun Marsh poor first class record. No they want to see “Shaun Marsh shirtless” of course.

Shaun Marsh
Shaun Marsh

This was the only picture I could find. It would have been easier if the search had been for “Shaun Marsh making a Test century after being recalled, omitted due to injury and recalled again to the Australian team for the 2014 tour of South Africa despite average 25 in first class cricket that season.”

 

3. Ricky Ponting

When you see the name Ricky Ponting what do you think? Australian Test captain, scorer of many thousands of  international runs. What are people looking for? Well they’re searching for “Ricky Ponting hairy forearms” and “Hairy Ricky Ponting photos”

Why? No idea  but here are a couple anyway.

IMG_1035

 

 

IMG_1034

 

4. Steve Smith

I can only guess people weren’t looking for 1980’s New South Wales and Australian batsmen Steve Smith when they searched for “steve smith shirtless cricket”  but instead were looking for the current Australian batsmen with his shirt off. However,  you can never be sure so here is 1980s Steve Smith wearing a tracksuit top.

Steve Smith on the right
Steve Smith on the right

 

5. Tim Paine

 “tdpaine shirtless and hot”

What impressed me most about this search was the use of the player’s initials – TD Paine – as they would appear in a cricket scorecard. Very impressive. Here is the picture they were probably searching for too (for legal reasons I had to stop searching after I found this one photo)

 

Tim Paine
Tim Paine

Whilst searching I did find a lot of pictures of Tim Paine’s different hairstyles. I’d say he spends a fair bit of time at the hair dressers getting his blonde tips redone and a fair bit of time on front of the mirror with product sculpting his ‘Beiber bowl’

 

The Beiber bowl
The Beiber bowl

 

Shaggy time
Shaggy time
Gel up and facial hair
Spiking up and facial hair. [I didn’t realise he shaved!]
Mullet anyone
Hint of mullet anyone?

 

The Echidna
The Echidna

 

Cool, hip Tim
Cool, hip Tim

 

Serious Tim
Serious Tim

 

6.Glen Maxwell

What do people want to know about the Big Show?

Surely they want to see him shirtless? Well surprisingly no, what they really want to know is, “how the f*ck did australian cricketer glen maxwell get his f*ckin nickname?”

According to Dean Jones it was given to him by Matthew Wade. Kind of makes sense hey?

Here is the Big Show. If you have any shirtless photos of him please send them through.

 

Glen Maxwell
Glen Maxwell

 

 7. Ashton Agar

Agar burst on to the scence in the first Ashes test in England with a dreamy 98 on debut, what did people want to see the next day? We’re they searching for his firs class record? No you guessed it  they were searching for “Ashton Agar shirtless”

No such luck I’m afraid instead we’ll have to make do with this photo from that first Ashes test juxtaposing Agar and his youthful innocence and Broad with his flinty hard edged professionalism.

Ashton Agar
Ashton Agar

 

 

8. Stuart Broad

“Stuart Broad cheat” ? “Stuart Broad wanker” ? No, “Stuart Broad shirtless” of course. Here he is celebrating the 5-0 Ashes defeat by paddleboarding with a friend on Sydney Harbour.

Stuart Broad Shirtless
Stuart Broad Shirtless

 

 

9. Nathan Coulter Nile

Search engine term: “How did Nathan Coulter Nile get his surname?”

Answer: His parents gave it to him of course. Boring, next. In future please search for a photo of him shirtless!

Nathan Coulter Nile. Named by his parents
Nathan Coulter Nile. Named by his parents

 

10. Xavier Doherty

“xavier doherty nickname cheese”

“what is xavier doherty’s nickname cheese”

“why is xavier doherty nickname cheese”

“why is xavier doherty nickname cheese?”
People certainly are persistent when they really want to know something. The answer is I don’t know and enough of the nickname questions! Can we get back to some shirtless cricketers please!
Xavier 'Cheese' Doherty
Xavier ‘Cheese’ Doherty
11. Jade Dernbach

What do we want? “Heaps of runs” When do we want them? “Every time Dernbach bowls”

Also we wouldn’t mind, “Jade Dernbach shirtless” probably to get a good view of his tatts

 

Jade Dernbach and his cricket bat
Jade Dernbach and his cricket bat

The response to this search,  “does jade dernbach still play for melbourne stars” is, “hell no” but the worst performed international signing each year in the Big Bash does win the Jade Dernbach award in memory of his 1 season at the Melbourne Stars.

It’s a pity no-one searched for for his fellow English fast bowler Chris Tremlett as he’s pretty ‘handy’ with a bat in hand and apparently has an impressive rig.

Chris Tremlett
Chris Tremlett

 

12th man: “Men in jocks”

I can only assume this was a cricket related search and the cricketer being sought was Michael Clarke. He loves a bit of jock work.

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Coach: Darren Lehmann

I cant believe this but someone searched for “Darren Lehmann shirtless” Why, oh why, would you do that? The best I can do is Boof in a Cathy Freeman speed suit and giant T-shirt, losing a sprint against New Zealands, Mark Richardson in 2004.

Darren Lehmann on the right
Darren Lehmann on the right