Me: Steve, I’ve heard the news.
Steve: Yeah I can’t believe Tom Triffit got arrested on two counts of stealing at 5am during a Futures League match. Futures league games are being treated like a joke, Test players playing for different states then being withdrawn after 2 days, players out on the gas during games. Bring back the 2nd XI competition by removing the age restrictions and fixture a decent set of 6-8 games rather than the current 4.
Me: Um, yeah. I was more thinking about your axing from the Australian coaching set up.
Steve: Look here you little runt, contrary to some scurrilous reports I haven’t been axed, Cricket Australia have decided to ‘prioritise resources’ regarding coaching and bring in short term consultants to fill my dual roles of fielding coach & spin coach. Do you know what a consultant is? It’s someone who travels further to work than you do. Well CA got it spot on with their fielding consultant – Mike Young is a baseball guru from the US, he must be an expert given how far he’s traveeled to take the job. Warney is the spin consultant, ill be interested how he goes working with Ashton Agar & James Muirhead developing their awareness of what real spin bowling is. Ha! At least Warney & Agar have something in common. They’re both bad boys after Agar got himself suspended from the WA team for dissent. Ha!
Anyway fair to say the exit interview I had with Boof & Patsy Howard got interesting. I’d just got off the Adelaide Oval from running another one of my revolutionary fielding drills – the isosceles triangle drill – when they approached me and told me I was surplus to requirements in the mens team. Well I lost my cool and smashed up all the isosceles fielding drill equipment, ranting at Patsy how he could take my job but he could never take my intelectual fielding property. I was pretty pissed off. Unsurprisingly Boof had his esky close at hand so we sat down and shared a frothie; had a chat about moving forward and how there were no hard feelings – basically we were having some quality esky time. But then Patsy returned with some HR forms on the Spirit of Cricket he reckoned I had to fill out. Well that was too much, I grabbed a couple of full stubbies out of the esky and got over to the nearby bowling machine, turned it up flat stick and started firing the stubbies at Patsy. He’d want to have been a good rugby player because he’s a shit cricket administrator and he’s shit at ducking and weaving 150km/h stubbies fired at him. He wore a couple of beauties to the groin, I was just disappointed I didn’t get in a head shot. Patsy can consider himself lucky too that the team has started winning so the heat has gone off him and whatever it is he does apart from interefering with the cricket team. Same goes for James Sutherland. Cricket Australia can go and get fucked as far as I’m concerned.
Anyway it’s not all bad news I’ve been prioritised out of the Australian men’s coaching set up and into the Australian Women’s team. In fact my first day working with them on their fielding, their spin and their awareness was Wednesday – the first T20. Unfortunately the Women didn’t do so well, what they really needed was to develop an awareness that if they lost that game they lost the Ashes. Not a great start to the coaching career- losing the Ashes – but it worked for Boof!
Fortunately the women’s T20s are being played as curtain raisers to the men’s so I was able to hang around and see the boys. What the hell is with Jade Dernbach? Is he the worst player England have brought out here since Ronnie Irani? And what are those tattoos? It looks like a frog on his chest and what is with his two sleeves? You can’t even see the design of the tattoo on his left arm – it’s like it’s just been coloured in. As for Stuart Broad complaining about small boundaries, fucking spare me! England has some of the smallest grounds going around, does he not remember Finchy belting 14 sixes in the T20 at the Rose Bowl? It was only 6 months ago. Broad just can’t help being a fuckwit can he?
Talking about the T20 team, why were Cam White and James Muirhead not allowed to play for the Melbourne Stars on Monday? Instead they had to go to Bellerive to train with the Australian squad. What better training could there be for a T20 game than playing a Big Bash game! England let Luke Wright play. It doesn’t make sense when CA are trying to grow the BBL! Let the best players play. Another shithouse, brainless decision by the High Perfomance Manager, Patsy Howard the rugby player. It’s not a game of rugby dickhead, its cricket – you can play a T20 on a days break.
I was a little surprised I was the first to feel the effects of Cricket Australia and Patsy Howard ‘prioritising resources’ I really thought Invers would be the first to cop it in the neck particularly after he pulled out another bullshit squad for South Africa – Marsh & Doolan for fuck’s sake! Then he replaced Faulkner with Moises Henriques! Fuck off! It’s like the disastrous India tour all over again. Invers saved his job though by bribing Shaun Marsh to fake an injury so he could shoehorn Phil Hughes into the squad. It’s lucky Jackson Bird was passed fit otherwise who would Invers have replaced him with? Jake Behrendorf or Chadd Sayers? Invers, Rod Marsh and Andy Bichel would want to lift their game as selectors – their contracts are up in June. At least they’ve seen the light and put Brad Hodge in the T20 team but what’s the bet they drop him from the World T20 sqaud in March? Odds on I’d say.
The best thing about no longer working with the men’s team is I no longer have to work with Matty Wade. It’s brilliant! It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. If Australia pick Wade again they’ll need a specialist wicket keeping consultant but I won’t be offering my services. I’m quite happy with my fielding coach role at the Chennai Super Kings in the IPL and I’ve just scored a new short term role doing some remedial work with Tom Triffit.
Can you put $50 on Australia to win the T20 series 2-1?
Me: Why don’t you do it now you’ve been axed from coaching?
Steve: Look here you little runt, I’m still coaching the Women’s team and I want $50 on them to win the T20s 2-1.
Me: Alright you crusty old blighter I’ll put one last bet on for you but then we are done. You’re no use to me if you’re not on the inside of the Aussie team.
Steve: Like I said to Patsy during my exit interview, “Get fucked!” Just put the bet on. Also that stuff about me coaching the Women’s team was all spin. In fact pretty much everything I’ve ever told you is spin, so I hope that works out well for you. Also I knew you were tapping my phone, you can put a stop to that now. So if we’re all done, I’m sigining off – don’t call me again.
Me: Fair enough, see ya.