The Steve Rixon Ashes Diary – Chapter 10


Chapter 10

First Test, The Gabba

Bouncers, Sledging and Crowds

Me: Steve, how are you going? How was Brisbane?

Steve Rixon: Brisbane was great wasn’t it? We gave the Poms a barrage of short pitched chin music, a bit of the old pepper really and it paid off. Who would have thought Mitchy J would be more accurate bowling half way down the pitch rather than pitching it up? Anyway it certainly worked for him, plenty of wickets and he scored some handy runs as well, a real Man of the Match performance and a great moustache to boot – that’s the power of having some well groomed facial hair. Mitchy J has really turned it around, whatever “The bowling whisperer” did at the BBQ he had at his place before the Test certainly worked. “The bowling whisperer” – that’s what we’re calling Craig McDermott these days, I think it was in one of the papers up here or something that started it, anyway it’s stuck.

Talking of newspapers what the hell is wrong with the Courier Mail? They ban pictures of Stuart Broad and any reference to him by name instead calling him the 27 year old English medium fast bowler. Get it right Courier Mail! Broad’s a fast medium not  medium fast!

Anyway let’s move on from that rag. Day 2 wasn’t looking great, the first session we bowled a whole lot of nothing. The bowlers lacked an awareness that bowling junk gets you nowhere. Well “The bowling whisperer” was having none of it and when the boys came in for the lunch break he tore absolute strips off them. He was more “The bowling ranter” than “The bowling whisperer” , he had a few choice words for Mitchy J and Ryano Harris as they sat down for lunch in the communal dining room but he saved his best for Peter Siddle smashing his plate of lettuce leaves and alfalfa shoots on a bed of cus cus out of his hands and force feeding a processed ham and cheese sandwich yelling at him to “Harden the f*ck up” in all the excitement “The bowling whisperer” accidentally knocked over the self serve sandwich bar and smashed through the hot and cold servery after Siddle pushed him away. The England players were choking on their goji berry and quinoa low fat natural yogurt with a hint of lemon smoothies at the thought of all the kale, organic bean shoots, zesty lemon and coriander hummus and chick pea salads going to waste. Luckily the Gabba had it’s ‘old’ lunch time menu on stand by so it was quarter chicken and chips all round for both teams. I think it was a cunning plan by “The bowling whisperer” The Aussie boys get stuck into plenty of chicken and chips through our sponsors product at KFC, the England boys have their wimpy new age, psuedo science diet and I don’t think the greasy chicken and chips really agreed with them. Well that’s the only way I can explain them losing 6/9 in the next session.

Mitchell Johnson: Man of the Match
Mitchell Johnson: Man of the Match

Poor old George Bailey, usually players get caught unawares by the step up in standard to test cricket bu Bails got caught out by how much slower Test cricket is to Shield cricket. He reckons that it was hard to adjust from 96 overs a day in Shield Cricket down to 90 overs in Test cricket. He said the gaps between balls and between overs were longer than he expected. Nice one George, I think you’re going to have to come up with a better excuse before Adelaide.

I bumped into Invers up here in Brisbane as did a few other people. He was out and about do his ‘man of the people’ routine where he puts on a sensible sunhat, shirt and his jeans and joggers and watches a days play from the stands in amongst the fans. He even has a beer and a chat with some of them during the lunch break. Invers said it went really well except he got sidetracked after lunch having a particularly deep and meaningful conversation with a member of the public over the merits of George Baileys selection and missed Michael Clarke’s dismissal in the first innings.

Nathan Lyon continues to improve on his awareness. Next he has to work on his awareness that bowling a wide on a hatrick ball won’t get you a wicket. It was great for Nath to finally get his chance to belt out the song after a victory. Under the Southern Cross has never sounded so good but Nath did have awareness that not many of the guys knew the words to the song so provided most of the team with printed lyrics so that they could join in. Thankfully James Pattinson and Wadey weren’t in the team so we didn’t have to put up with that  horrid 8 minute dance remix they did of Under The Southern Cross earlier in the year.

More Mitchell Johnson, having his 'Flintoff' moment
More Mitchell Johnson, having his ‘Flintoff” moment

James Anderson can toughen up a bit. Since when does anyone call the umpires in because of a bit of sledging? And he started it all by saying he was going to punch George Bailey. I wish Anderson had punched Bails, he might have broken his hand – Bailey was wearing a helmet with a grill. Anyway after whinging about onfield sledging the Poms are now whinging about the off field sledging – the boorish nature of the Brisbane crowds and requesting that anyone who calls Broad or KP a wanker get ejected! Right, and to think we let the Barmy Army and that silly bloody trumpeter into every venue! The Poms don’t even want to play at the Gabba again! Ha, good one! I hope we put in a similar request saying we are never going to play at Cardiff or f8cken Durham on the basis that that the grounds aren’t up to Test standard – Test matches shouldn’t be played in such small, shitty venues.

Only area we really need to improve on is trying to see if we can somehow orchestrate it so Dave Warner doesn’t talk to the media for the rest of the summer. That guy is a liability whenever he speaks. He’s even had his speaking privileges revoked by Boof during the post Test ‘esky time’

Ah that’s enough from me, we’ve got a test in Adelaide to win. Put $50 down KP for a ton again – he really does love the Adelaide Oval.

Me: Cheers mate, can do.


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Ross Slater

Blogging about the important things - AFL and cricket

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