Ashton Agar, Stuart Broad and DRS
The First Test: Trent Bridge
Me: Steve , you crusty old blighter, you’ve been bloody hard to get hold of since the last test…
Rixon: What are you doing ringing me on the morning of a Test Match? Boof has brought down the cone of silence since the last test and there has been no communication possible. It was very successful keeping Ashton Agar debut’s quiet.
I’m was pretty drained after that last Test match to be honest – I don’t think I’ve ever sworn as much and for such a sustained period after Stuart Broad wasn’t given out. Fark I was pissed – we had even practiced that flick off the keepers gloves to first slip catch and it worked – I was wild when Aleem Dar didn’t give it out. Stuart Broad was as cool as a cucumber too after smashing it. I’m surprised Graeme Swann had no comment about the incident given his previous stance calling a Sri Lankan who didn’t walk a cheat. Swann really hates Sri Lankan’s I reckon, that’s why he celebrated catching Agar like he’d just got The Don out.And what is with that buttoned up shirt popped collar look?
Talking of Ashton Agar – well I have to take a fair bit of credit for his debut I am the spin coach after all. See how well he answered all the questions thrown at him by the press? And yeah he played pretty well too. Johnathan Trott – I noticed was fielding at fine leg for the pace bowlers but at first slip for the spinner. That’s one of the subtle things you pick up as a fielding coach.T rott was a bit unlucky with the old Hot Spot too. I hope you aren’t buying that bullshit that they couldn’t record while there was a replay – we put a man on the moon when I was in short pants and we can’t replay and record in real time. Spare me. It was all user error no the technology at fault. Not many people know Hot Spot is actually a bloke on a laptop using MS paint to putting white blobs on a picture. I heard a whisper that his laptop crashed right as Trott was dismissed so he couldn’t doctor up the pictures. True story.
We weren’t out bowled or out fielded , maybe out batted as they made more runs than us, but we were definitely out DRSed. So Boof has decided to make a move – I am now fielding coach, spin coach and DRS coach. I’ve taken on the responsibility of educating the players on the correct use of DRS when batting. DRS is all about Awareness. Awareness that DRS is for overturning howlers, Awareness that DRS is not for trying to get away with a nick behind – nice one Clarkey, Awareness that DRS is not for guessing you are 1cm off plumb on an LBW like Watto. The only bloke who had the awareness to use DRS properly was Chris Rogers, the umpire triggered him caught behind to one he didn’t hit, so he got it reviewed. He has the awareness that DRS is for fixing the stinkers and will now have the dual responsibilities of ball polishing captain and DRS captain. I’ve set it up so Clarkey and Hadds still feel involved as Captian and Vice captain – I’ve called it the DRS committee and Rogers is the Chairman. Clarkey and Hadds will have 1 vote each but Rogers will have 3 votes so he can overrule any of their bullshit. Those bloody fast bowlers won’t be getting a say at all. They reckon that anything that hits the pad is out! Fark don’t they realise their not bowling to Shane Watson?
Speaking of Wattto did you see that LBW, the review was bad enough but the worst thing was it was the first ball after a drinks break. Boof was wild. When will this bloke learn? Out in the 40’s again! Boof was so wild he came up with a plan. The next test when there is a drink break and Watto is batting Di Venuto is going to be sent out to the middle. Watto won’t be allowed to have a drink instead he and Watto will shadow bat an over on an adjoining pitch. Running singles for a good imaginary punch through the covers of the imaginary ball or meeting mid pitch for a glove punch after Watto has crunched a another shadow square drive of the imaginary ball to the boundary rope. We think it should have a twofold effect of keeping Watto focused during the drinks break and help him get through the nervous 40’s – 60’s as we’ve told him to add the ‘imaginary’ shadow batting runs to his total. You know one third of all Watto’s test innings have been between 30 & 57 and a quarter of his innings have been single figures.
Me: I didn’t know that. It must be different not having Dave Warner with the squad anymore?
Rixon: Divvers is distraught that he won’t be training Warner up to be the greatest throwdown batsman of all time now that The Cannon has gone to actually play games of cricket in Zimbabwe & South Africa. It’s a cruel and unusual punishment Cricket Australia have forced upon Davey, touring with the A team that is, and Divvers reckons it’s ruined his throwdown career. Warner was pissing everyone off – he kept playing that damn sock ad on his phone after every over. It was like I was at home watching the cricket on GEM. It was bloody annoying all those ‘game of numbers’, ‘facts and figures’, 1% adding up to 2% garbage. Everyone in the dressingroom was sick of it.
Me: What about the speech Michael Clarke gave at the Australian High Commission the other day having a dig at the team?
Rixon: Yeah well you don’t think he wrote that all by himself do you? As spin coach I was responsible for putting together most of it. This is what I gave to Clarkey though I think he might have made a few changes in the drafting process.
Watto is a massive flog, and we all know it, but he did bowl a superb spell there in the second dig of 15 odd overs for fark all runs, so he’s with us for another test. I’ll bowl him even more at Lords to see if I can break him. Stop the Presses: Another injury to Watto.
Ashton Agar – what can I say…..Nathan, you’ll need to hand over the words to Under the Southern Cross.
Dave Warner – loves boxing, And moustached growing competitions…. by himself. Enjoy going harder for longer in Zimbabwe champ.
Peter Siddle – called Hollywood not because he’s a vegan – which is very Hollywood – but because he got his teeth whitened to appear in this Qantas video with his Academy Award winning eyebrow raise.
Mitch Starc – the boys love to wind Starcy up by calling him Mitchell Johnson. They both bowl left arm erratic so why not? Starcy hates it. How’s the tattoo Mitch?
James Pattinson – taken over the role that Brett Lee made his own in the team – biggest pretty boy. Doesn’t go anywhere without his hair product and mirror
Haddin – he’s come a long way since the Haddinuff and Haddout days when he was using the hoola hoop keeping technique [hold your arms in a circle and look aghast as an imaginary ball passes through – another dropped catch]
Hughes & Khawaja –The odd Couple – these two are like Oscar and Felix…or am I getting my sitcoms’s confused… more like Laverne and Shirley.
Steve Smith – the joker – everyone loves having a laugh with… no sorry at him. The running style, the fidgeting at the crease, the batting without bending the knees – what’s not to laugh at?
Nathan Lyon, Matthew Wade & Jackson Bird – The Roadies, they’ve got really good at packing up and carrying stuff and we all know they’re not going to get a gig on the ‘big stage.’
Rogers & Cowan – The twins – If they aren’t sharing roast lamb recipes, they are reading poetry together or pulling each other’s umm … leg.
Boof: loves a smoke a beer and a bet – preferably all at the same time. He’s also said he’ll sprint nude across Lord’s if we win the Test.
Stuart Karpinnen, strength and conditioning coach. When Tank was told Boof played for Australia his response was “Bullshit! That fat bastard?” Tank has realised his role will be seriously down graded under Boof.
Michael Divenuto – Batting coach. We love asking Divvers about his Test career… sorry one day career…. if you call 9 matches a career.
Ali de Winter – Fast bowling coach. Who? I’m not sure what this guy even looks like?
Grant Dover, team manager. We have a team manager?
Me: Hmm not some of your best work, not as good as your last tip – 1st innings under 250 – which came in. Any tips for this test?
Rixon: Righto you little runt, put $50 on Rogers to get a ton can you? He’s played county cricket for Middlesex at Lords for the last 3 years. He know’s this ground well.
Me: Can do, see you mate.