My phone tap got shut down but I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole squad selection/revolving door/rotation policy debacle so I picked up the phone and rang that crusty old blighter, Steve Rixon.
Steve Rixon: Hello Steve Rixon speaking
Me: Steve mate how are ya? How is everything going?
Steve Rixon: Great. What do you want?
Me: Look I’m hearing a lot of complaints about the Indian test squad leaving early, the chopping and changing with the one day squad – the restings, the rotations, the whole lot really.
Rixon: Yeah I hear you. A couple of days ago I was in the changerooms having a chat with John Inverarity…
Me: Gee I’m setting myself for a long winded story now
Rixon: Hear me out you little runt, do you want this information or not?
Me: Yeah ok.
Rixon: I was chatting with Invers when Brad McNamara burst into the sheds.
He went ballistic. “What the bloody hell are you bunch of burger flippers doing? You’re sending a football team’s worth of our best cricketers to India before the home season has even finished! Have you forgotten there’s a T20 international against the West Indies next week? Which rag tag bunch of supermarket shelf stackers and coal miners are you going to scrounge together for that game, huh? And don’t tell me you’re going to wheel out Cameron White again!”
Inverarity said, “Cameron White – now that name sounds vaguely familiar…..”
I said, “Calm down Buzz, don’t any of your channel 9 mates tell you anything? I’m taking over the reigns as batting, bowling and fielding coach, I’m also scorer and I’ll be mixing the gatorade and driving the team bus – everyone else is in India.”
Invers and I had a ring around, well I had a ring around really, Invers was taking….. I mean he… um he isn’t really up to speed with iPhones. Anyway I sorted the team for the T20 on Wednesday. Here it is:
- S Marsh
- The Governor – George Bailey (C)
- Sean Abbott
- Hogg (Rodney not Brad)
- Scott Muller
- Greg Mathews
12th man: Andy Bichel
McNamara wasn’t impressed, “What is this? The XI for Boony’s testimonial match? And who the fuck is Sean Abbott?”
Inverarity replied, “ Young man, I don’t care for your language. Sean Abbot is a young, up and coming all rounder. He’s the next Moises Henriques – he had an excellent Big Bash season for the Sydney Thunderclaps I’ll have you know. He won the Ronne Irani award at the Tom Moody medal.”
I said, “How did you not know about this Buzz? You know Mark Nicholas is calling the whole match by himself. He’s just going to talk non-stop for 3 hours – that’s the way he prefers it. What exactly is it you do for channel 9?”
McNamara looked a bit annoyed and said,” Well I’m the technical cricket advisor. I advise the commentators and technical people on technical matters about cricket in an advisory type role. It’s a very important position.
I said, “Sure it is. Sounds like bullshit to me. All the commentators have played Test cricket except Nico and JB, what could you advise them about cricket? What do you really do?”
McNamara said, “Well I also facilitate the replenishment of sustenance, both liquid and solid, for the entire commentary team and all the technical staff.”
I said, “You mean you’re the lunch boy.”
Inverarity said, “Ah so you’re the tea lady.”
McNamara went sheepish, “Um… ah… yeah… so. .. whatever.”
I said “You’re a glorified burger flipper with a media pass lanyard!! No wonder the commentary boys don’t tell you anything!!”
McNamara had enough, “Right I’m not standing for this rot, I was Steve Waugh’s best man I’ll have you know. I’m going where I’m appreciated – I’m off to make Chappelli a sandwich and Richie a cup of tea.”
Me: Hmm, interesting stuff about McNamara. It still seems a bit odd to me that one Australian team are playing a T20 international and at the same time another Australian team are playing a tour match in India.
Rixon: Yeah well that’s the way cricket is these days. Some series are more equal than others and it’s a very crowded calendar when you have to fit in making a motza for 6 weeks at the IPL. Speaking of that can you put a motza on the Windies to win the T20 on Wednesday?
Me: Can do, see ya.