People have been pestering me to get the real story of what happened with Clarke and Hussey after the Sydney Test. I couldn’t be farked but as a wise man once said to me “We are all busier than a Beruit bricklayer but people need to be informed” So I put down my pen and picked up the phone to call a contact of mine who is close to the Australian Cricket team. I can’t reveal my sources and I have to be careful to protect his identity so I have given him a code name. The code name is Steve Rixon. Here’s how the phone call went:
Steve Rixon: Hello Steve Rixon speaking
Me: Steve mate how are ya? How is everything going?
Steve Rixon: Great. What do you want?
Me: Look I’m hearing a lot of stuff about this Clarke versus Hussey thing after the Sydney Test what can you tell me about it?
Steve Rixon: Right well, as Hussey is an older guy he wanted to stay around the club rooms and as Pup is a younger guy he wanted to go home and have a few “pre drinks” with Matty Wade and James Pattinson before going out to “Trak” nightclub at 1:00am for 3 hours and then go home. Hussey said, “You never put back into this club Pup! Stay here and have a few froths get around the guys and put back!”
Pup then said, “Get f*cked Huss, it’s just a sausage party here and you only ever listen to Crosby, Stills and Nash. Where’s that song that goes “I don’t care! I love it” that’s on the ad for the upcoming ODIs? That goes off at Trak! Oh and by the way you’re not playing in the ODIs Huss”
Huss followed with, “Fine then, f*ck off, see if I care. Eddie and Nathan are still here having a froth with me!”
As Pup was leaving the change rooms, Hussey said, “Kids these days”.
Me: Mate are you sure about that? Sounds like something that would go on at a local cricket club?
Steve Rixon: It’s all true, I was there. Hussey treats the Australian Cricket team like a local cricket club because he is Mr Cricket, OK.
Me: OK, what about John Williamson playing “True Blue” in the rooms?
Steve Rixon: Not true, we haven’t played that stuff since Tugga retired. Punter made it clear that anyone who played John Williamson or Redgum after a game would be beaten with their own cricket gear.
Me: Right and is it true Huss handed the singing of ‘Under the Southern Cross’ over to Nathan Lyon? Bit surprising I would have thought someone like Warner or Wade might have got the job?
Steve Rixon: Look there’s no chance Wade would get the gig – he’s far too busy learning how to catch for him to have to learn how to sing as well. 8 months I’ve been working with him on his keeping and still no sign of improvement. What do they teach these blokes at state level? Nothing?
Me: Yeah. So will Lyon be leading the song?
Steve Rixon: Well James Pattinson had ‘Under the Sothern Cross’ remixed by some hip-hop outfit with a dance track put over the top of it, all the young blokes have downloaded it to their iPhones and they listened to it with their earphones in while Huss lead the team song for the last time.
I’m not sure if ‘Under the Southern Cross’ will actually be sung after a Test victory anymore I think everyone will just stick their earphones in and listen to the remix on their iPhones.
Patto also got his mate to cut an 8 minute trance like thing that just doesn’t seem to ever end. After Sydney all the young blokes got up on the podium at Trak with their low cut t-shirts and jeans hanging off their ass to show off their designer jocks and danced in a circle while sipping breezers.
That will be how the Australian cricket team will celebrate a Test victory from now on – dancing on a podium wearing their latest fashion purchases with a premixed alcopop drink.
Me: Sounds shit.
Steve Rixon: Yeah well that’s young blokes these days. By the way can you put a multi bet on for me for the one dayers? Australia to lose in Adelaide into Mitch Starc to top score in Brisbane into a No Result in Sydney
Me: Can do, see ya.